Regis: “Welcome back to 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'! I’m your host Regis Philbin, and ready to answer one final question for the one million dolla’ grand prize is Dr. I.M. Stuckinstoneage, who has been studying human DNA for the past forty years! That’s amazing Docta’! But who in the world pays your salary?” (Audience laughter)
Dr. Stuckinstoneage: “Oh, my team receives a yearly multibillion dollar grant from the U.S. government to unravel the mysteries of human DNA.”
Regis: “Billions of dollars of taxpayer money every year?” (Looks quizzical at studio audience) ”Well what amazing things have you discovered after forty years of staring into a microscope and spending billions of dollars of tax payer money?"
Dr. Stuckinstoneage “Well, nothing actually, Rege.”
Regis: (Surprised expression) “Nothin’? After forty years? You gotta’ be kiddn’ me? Maybe it’s time for a new hobby, eh Doc?"
Dr. Stuckinstoneage: “Well, we’re kind of stuck on the whole junk DNA thing.”
Regis: “Junk DNA? Explain Docta', I wanna know where all my tax dollars are goin', don’t you folks?” (Looking at studio audience) (Wild applause)
Dr. Stuckinstoneage: “Well it seems humans have a whole bunch of mysterious DNA, and we can’t make heads or tails of it so we just call it ‘junk’ DNA. This way we don’t have to deal with it. Ya know, sort of sweep it under the rug.” (Chuckles alone)
Regis: “Okay Doc, are you ready for your final question for one million dollizz’?”
Dr. Stuckinstoneage “Sure am Rege!” (Enthusiastic applause)
Regis “Well Docta', it looks like today is your lucky day! Your million dolla’ question appears to be right up your alley! Unbelievable! Your million dolla’ question is; “How many strands of DNA do human beings have? Well Doc, you GOTTA’ know this one!”
Dr. Stuckinstoneage “Well, of course I do!” (Smiles confidently ear to ear) “Anyone who’s ever studied DNA knows how many strands humans have!”
Regis: "Well, here are your four multiple choice answers."
Dr. Stuckinstoneage (Gestures as if he doesn’t need the multiple choice answers)
Regis: “Your choices are
A) Two strands of DNA
B) 3 strands of DNA
C) 4 strands of DNA
D) 12 strands of DNA”
Dr. Stuckinstoneage (Laughs at the seemingly absurd final choice of 12 strands of DNA)
Regis: "Do you wanna’ use your life line Docta’?"
Dr. Stuckinstoneage (Laughs) "Of course not, no need to. The answer is A) 2 strands of DNA." (Raises hands triumphantly)
Regis: “Is that your final answa’ Doc?”
Dr. Stuckinstoneage “That’s my final answer.”
Regis: “Oh I’m sorry Docta’! That’s the wrong ansa’. We would’ve excepted as the correct ansa’ either B) 3 strands of DNA, C) 4 strands of DNA, or D) 12 strands of DNA, but not 2 strands! Sorry Doc!
Dr. Stuckinstoneage “Why that’s preposterous! I’ve been staring into a microscope for forty years, and humans have always had 2 strands of DNA!”
Regis “Well, maybe you betta’ update your samples Doc! Seems human DNA has changed a lot in the last few years! Maybe it has somethin’ to do with that wacky 2012 stuff!”
Dr. Stuckinstoneage (Scratches head, looking bewildered)
Regis “Well that’s all for this week folks. See you next time on America’s number one game show ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’!” (Regis mumbles to himself as camera fades out) “12 strands of DNA? Holy cow, that’s unbelievable! I wonder what all that extra DNA does anyhow? I wonder if Kathie Lee knows about this?”